One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.
Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.
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Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
COP: I need to see some ID
ME: [hands him ID]
COP: this isn’t yours
ME: you said “some”
COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go
The pen is writier than the sword.
Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here
[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine
[killer enters home in middle of night]
ME: Who goes there?
KILLER: Haha
ME: What
KILLER: Who still says “Who goes there”
ME: Ok laugh it up
I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?
GOOD COP: Tell us what you know
BAD COP: Or we’ll turn up the heat
DAD COP: DON’T YOU TOUCH THAT DAMN THERMOSTAT
In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.
Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.
the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with
Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president
My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*
As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?
People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.
My ex wife’s husband is a pretty cool guy. I’m looking forward to the day she ruins his life so we can talk about what a bitch she is.
Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
OF COURSE IT’S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.
My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King
Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient
some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables
If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.