My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
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[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
*lies down in bed*
*closes eyes*
*gets comfortable and relaxes*Brain: *blows into mic* *tap tap* Okay, so where was I…
He loved it so much he walked himself up.
Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
Kids today will never know the struggle of flipping a cassette tape in a Walk-Man will riding on a bicycle at the same time.
7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.
most whales are bigger than a strawberry
Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
“I’d like to speak with a manager”
They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
Are you ok?
– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.
I don’t believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it’s strictly for pleasure.
[Guy on street handing out free fake moustaches]
Me: how many am I allowed
Guy: just one
Me: we’ll see
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.
[stranded on a desert island]
*plane flies over head and drops a letter*
Me: omg I’m going to be rescued!
*opens letter*
we’re just reaching out to you about your car’s extended warrantyMe: Sonofa-
gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
“Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.
Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]