One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
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Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
Him: how about we finish dinner and you can show me your bedroom
Me: why wait? *pulls out cellphone and flips through photos of my room*
Thinking about that time I used a pic of katy perry as my avi and a dude got so mad that I wasn’t actually katy perry that he called me a catfish and blocked me. Wonder how he’s doing now
13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday
Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.
Fun times
I’m tired tomorrow.
I’m quite sure if Adam had offered Eve a donut, that whole Garden of Eden thing would’ve gone in an entirely different direction.
If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.
experienced cop: it’s ok kid, you get used to it
millennial rookie cop, retching near murder scene: the coffee you brought was not artisanal
Festive toon…
Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
the male barbie should’ve been named barbo
[Thanksgiving dinner]
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!Me: Oh
Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?
what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”
Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years
ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
The Commandments
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad
My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]