I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.
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Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen
I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.
[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.
My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
My daughter likes to give me her failed artwork, claiming it was made with all her love just for me. Then she grabs a new piece of paper to make her drawing better and keeps that for herself. Well played, little one. Well played.
My wife: That’s not the clothes I sent her to playschool in.
Me: But she’s the right kid?
Wife: Yes. But…
Me: Cool. I’m going to play Playstation.
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.
If you’re expecting your first baby, skip the self-help books and practice not feeling triggered by “watch this” “why” and “one more”
If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?
#SpinachDay
wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes
Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”
Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
Drinking at home is convenient, sure, but it’s nothing like the experience of leaving the pub feeling fifty bucks lighter.
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES
Most Unsafe Christmas Toys:
Fisher-Price My First Deep Fryer
LEGO Chewables
Nicotine Patch Dolls
Barbie’s Poorly Wired Dream House
{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘arrogance’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can, don’t be stupid
I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.
Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints
Mints: you have beautiful eyes
Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary
10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.
[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.
If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept