One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators
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Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
Me: This edible isn’t working.
Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.
When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
Therapist: What if you didn’t constantly hammer away at yourself in your head?
Me: Lol I know right
Therapist: For real though
Me: Can you imagine haha
Therapist: No. I am making an actual suggestion
Me: Wait, that’s an option?
Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M’s it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.
5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!
Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]
having a king is going to take some getting used to. we’re used to our monarch moving as far as they want in any direction but now it’s just one square at a time. much higher chance of being killed by a horse
BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”
– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
Me when someone tries to get to know me
Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend
Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human
– Twitter Closing inactive accounts
– Google Closing Inactive accounts
– Internet Archive & Wayback Machine Under Attack
– Nintendo going after Emulators
I’m starting to see a pattern. Now would be the time to back up ANYTHING you have not secured locally.
A spooky dog skeleton would be so confused. He’d be like should I haunt people or should I gnaw on my enticingly exposed bones
[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics
I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
Me (as a doctor): I’m afraid you have very moderately progressing gonorrhea
Patient: what? I don’t understand
Me (starts slow clap)
“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”
– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy
ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.
Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?
U know how In a box of chocolates there’s always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. “Put a gross one in there” I said
DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)