One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
You Might Also Like
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
Greek yogurt should have Greek names.
“What flavor you got?”
“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”
She was rare, like a goth jogging
I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone
I miss the days where someone would tell us shit like “Mick Jagger is Kesha’s dad” and we’d all just believe it for months because it didn’t matter if it was true or not
Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa dept]
ME: Hit the panic button we’re being robbed
COLLEAGUE: It’s not working
ME: [hears ice cream truck pull up] Oh it’s working
People will say astrology is bullshit until they read their star sign is ‘mind blowing in bed and a great kisser’ then its 100 percent facts!
Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.
Wife: what are you doing
Me: teaching the dog poker
Wife: where are your pants
Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!
How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?
Things I have in common with an avocado:
-If I’m just on my own I’m pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I’m pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I’m often found with chips
Star Wars? Nope
Never had any interest in watching something that starred a woman whose hair made her look like one of my dad’s tractors.
DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur
ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here
her: what’s your last name?
me: it’s French
her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?
me: no my last name is literally just French.
her: oh how fun, do you speak French?
me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?
Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries
Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.
I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.
Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.
Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.
Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.
My Wife wasn’t.
She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.
Odd, we don’t own a dog.