FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is
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Namaste
*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!
Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.
Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
Best seat on the street 😍
Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!
They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton
The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don’t judge her, you’re also eating at Applebees.
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.
I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.
One day, a handsome man will look me in the eyes and lovingly say, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” and this time it won’t be law enforcement.
3: Who’s that on your shirt?
Me: Yoda, from Star Wars.
3: I don’t like him.
Me: YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”
Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
“This restaurant is so good I came twice,” she says.
“When was the other time you ate here?” he asks.
“Oh, no, this is my first time here.”
I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.
sure we’re surviving 2019
but at what cost
Remembering the time I brought a bf to a family thing & he pointed at my uncle & whispered, “That’s my parole officer.”
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.
I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.
If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name
Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.
Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.