Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
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[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.
*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
Ion see the issue
Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.
*first day as a magician*
Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!
Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.
Me: no it isn’t
My shirt: no it isn’t
How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?
Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey
Exec: I dont think that works
Writer: Se-seven Monkeys
Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-
Writer: TWELVE monkeys
Exec: Now.. hold on a second.
There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.
Her: Let’s each pick one person we can sleep with and the other person can’t get mad. Mine is Ryan Gosling. Who’s yours?
Me: The babysitter
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
*pronounces surface like Versace*
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.
PEOPLE OF METROPOLIS: Is it a bird? Is it a plane?
SUPERMAN: These people don’t need a hero. They need a functional education system.
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
By far the dumbest thing I’ve made
JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my shirt and points to my belly] This one is of Alcatraz.
my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”
*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
Me: How do you like your new bed?
Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!
Me: What?
Dog: Wut
“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”– Canadian Dirty Talk