Overheard, my kids-
7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
3:
7:
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7:
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7:
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7:
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7:
3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda
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The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”
If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
Eve: Wrong hole!
Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know
I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.
me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?
8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?
me:
Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it’s referring to Noah’s evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.
I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!
Jerry Lock
@jlock17
My grandson is just learning to talk and is going to be a train engineer for Halloween, so I’m working hard on teaching him to say “Kiss my caboose” before his mom picks him up.
[crime scene]
BATMAN: Who the hell are you?
MANBAT: Who the hell are YOU?
BATMAN: I’m Batman. A man who dresses like a bat.
MANBAT: I’m Manbat. A bat who dresses like a man.
[BATBAT arrives]
BATBAT: Who the hell are you two?
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
this guy in South Dakota left his pickup sitting for four days. You know it’s the pandemic. In that time a family of Red Squirrels picked apples from a nearby tree and stored em in his engine and wheel compartment. There are another 1 1/2 to 2 buckets in the wheel wells!!
[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not
*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now
*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.
You can change your cat’s name every day. They don’t care.
*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?Husband: GET UP!
Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.
I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.
Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.
[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going
GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?
“Hygiene”
SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.
Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again
Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?