One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
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Customer: I’d like to buy some chicken soup with matzah balls
Me: Sorry, we only take cash or credit
Manager: Can I talk to you
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.
You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
Big Bad Wolf: I’m here for the cookout
Three Little Pigs: We’re not letting you in
Big Bad Wolf: This blows. Heeeeyyy, wait just a minute!
“Sorry, I can’t work today due to the snow”
“But… we work from home anyway?”
“Yeah, sorry, the snow’s really bad here”
“But we have a Zoom call in…”
“I know, sorry. Hopefully it’ll clear up by tomorrow!”
Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions
Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?
Man down! Send in back up!
*wife comes rushing in the room*
“What happened?!”
*i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move
Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…
Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct
Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”
Women have a good 6th sense. I smiled at a girl in the mall once. When I got home I opened the door and my wife met me with a drop kick.
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
How do I know you’re not a cop?
“If I was a cop, how would I have this?”
*shows police badge that just says ‘Not a Cop’ on it*
Oh, okay good
I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.
I think I need a hard boiled egg.
[first date]
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you’re doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd
A new study shows that drinking two to three coffees a day can lower the risk of heart problems. Because who has time for heart problems when they have constant daytime stress diarrhea?
One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.
Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.
ARSONIST: I will be the firefighter’s greatest enemy.
GUY WHO PUTS CATS IN TREES: I will also be that.
Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook
One hamburger please
CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here
Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please
A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.