One venti cheeseburger please.
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Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”
doctor: do you have 3 regular meals or 5 small meals a day?
me: I eat every 30 minutes to ensure nobody can ever make me swim
Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me
A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”
What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.
[bleeding out]
ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?
ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
They’re the worst 😩
When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies
Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy
Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.
coach: what are you doing???
me: you said do 50 singles
coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos
me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
“just a suggestion :)” is the most passive aggressive aside of all time. here’s my cute little suggestion cloaked in invisible knives
Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.
*tries to lose weight by talking about it*
Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
Trainer: How often do you exercise?
Me: Not that often. Wait, does sex count as exercise?
T: Uhhh sure.
M: Ok then still not that often
I just stopped by to water my horse.
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.
Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing
I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.