@aparnapkin: One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
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@petfurniture: "why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?" because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
@mishakey: I never close my eyes in the shower because that's how murderers know when to show up and kill you.
@SteveSuckington: You drop ONE baby and everyone's all like, "Quit juggling babies Steve. You're the worst babysitter ever!"