One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
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Here’s one of the dumbest thoughts I’ve ever had: I got a coupon for a new car wash place, which was great because my car was really dirty. I noticed that the address was close to my house and thought: “Oh, this is close. Maybe I can just walk?”
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
[ DEATH CERTIFICATE ]
Cause of Death: Sent girlfriend Eye Roll Emoji
[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
My cat likes to trampoline on my bladder if I don’t feed him. He knows just the spot that will get me leaping out of bed at 5 or 6 am.
“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.
My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now
GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”
I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore
Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?
All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.
French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.
the world’s most popular steaming services
[First Date]
I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.
[Second Date]
*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*
My husband was telling a long, boring story and my 10 year old interrupted with, “Surprising. But you know what’s not surprising? How much money Matt saved by switching to Geico.”
Anyway, I’m in trouble for laughing too hard.
I’m sorry but I strongly disagree
The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.
My doctor pulled me aside and asked why I had so many scratches on me and never in my life have I felt more like a teenage boy than when I sheepishly explained it was because last weekend was wrestlemania and I was practicing wrestling moves with my friend.
If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.
Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
We buried my grandmother, yesterday.
She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.
One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.
Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?
At Walmart this lady was trying to reach the top shelf by stepping on a lower shelf, she knocked over a jar and salsa was all over the place, she says can you help me? So I handed her a bag of Fritos from the top shelf.
San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.