@birbigs: One way to tell if what you're watching isn't really news is if the person is shouting at you.
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@MelvinofYork: Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now. Wife: I don’t know what "DTF" means. Me: Take a guess. Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?
@Kyle_Lippert: Name's Bond. James Bond. *Drinks martini* Jame's Bond. Names Bond. *drinks another martini* Bame's Jond. *Drinks 1 more* THIS IS MY SONG WOO
@kellysoloduka: ME: I used to lay in the dark and invite spirits to inhabit my body. HER: Did they? ME: [levitates, engulfed in flames] WHAT DO YOU THINK?