One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.
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[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*
*drops pizza slice on the floor
Hey can I get another slice?
*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice
My husband bought a steamer because I don’t iron. I wonder how long it’s going to take him to figure out that I don’t steam?
Carson: No it wasn’t a friend it was a close family member. And I didn’t stab her I froze her heart.
“Sir, that’s the plot of Frozen.”
At least he brought enough for everyone
saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈
My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”
When you search “Amazon Music”, Google offers a helpful link to the Login page, where you can’t log in but you can check out some tunes by an Artist named Login.
You love to see it, two of the most valuable companies in the world just pranking the shit out of themselves
Seeing all the praise for Conan it’s time I told my own special Conan story. Years ago I first saw Conan. He was funny and I liked him. Then he kept being funny and I was like hell yeah I really like him. Later I found out it wasn’t just me, Conan did this with many other people.
Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’
~cats
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?
Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.
*puts my mental health in rice
me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer
me *on my deathbed: I doubt it
I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.
waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that
me: yes
me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.
Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.
100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree
*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.