I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
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Welcome to your 40s: everyone can hear you when you stand up now.
Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.
If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
[movie theater]
Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?
Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!
After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.
The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.
If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.
My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo’s Mother’s Day card as her own, and while I don’t support lying I do respect the hustle
Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.
On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.
Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
There’s someone in our team who behaves horribly to me and whenever I have to type his name, I’ve taken to using a slightly smaller font size than for everyone else’s
how high up are we talkin’?
If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.
Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea
Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
#TopTip
LOOOOOOL
I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.
Date – “I must admit, this is a really nice restaurant”
Me – 😎
…
Date – “why did you say sunglasses emoji?”
Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*
The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.
Proofread twice, hang posters once
Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”