ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”
ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”
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What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.
Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode
THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?
THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.
(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.
Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun
Cop: Was it a revolver?
Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard
“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
…..
“Oh god wait.”
Meanwhile, in Facebook,
Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.
Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping
Her: Who’s your favourite character in the Muppet Show?
Me: The vampire
Her: He doesn’t count
Me: I can assure you that he does
Is Mercury still in the microwave?
My ex left because I “lack imagination”.
“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.
I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.
Me: Why did you throw that pencil at your brother?! You could have poked his eye out!
9: But I didn’t
Me: Not now but it could have hit him
9: But it didn’t
Me: That’s not the point! He could have gotten hurt
9: But he didn’t
Me: (pulls out wine cork with teeth)
If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days
While taking a nap with my daughter, my 4 year old son creeps into my bed, fiddles with my bra hooks for 5 minutes, then gives up and passes out snoring next to me. No need for a paternity test, he’s definitely my husband’s son.
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.
Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before
Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.
[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer
Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
As an imaginary forensic pathologist I’m pretty disappointed in how many full fingerprints I left on the scotch tape while wrapping presents.