Only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map…
Putin is fixing the issue
by just calling it all “Russia”.
You Might Also Like
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
This guy on GMA is thanking God b/c he survived 2 plane crashes. I’m pretty sure “God” is trying to kill him.
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28
My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.
I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?
Her: Of course…
*walks out 26 minutes later*
Thanks.
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”
My daughter wakes up everyday at 2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.
HER:He doesn’t trust me.
THERAPIST:How so?
HER:He’s always spying on me.
ME (dressed as Therapist):Really?
THERAPIST:WTF
HER:WTF
ME:WTF
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.
Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will
me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl
therapist; that’s progress
me: haven’t tried flying yet
therapist: please don’t
me: you sound just like her
Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
The closest I’ll ever come to performing in the circus is standing on a swivel chair trying to reach the vodka I told my friend to hide.
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal
I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.
When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs
Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.