@BetteMidler: Only 50 more days til we find out who's our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!
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@gobmentcheese: I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, "I read what you said on the internet."
@Aspersioncast: I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
@Black__Elvis: My boss told me if I kept showing up late he'd give me a pink slip and I was like, how does he know about my tastes in women's underwear?
@hellominamoo: I'm going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song