Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!
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I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.
“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.
In-laws are coming over for lunch, which leaves me just enough time to buy a better house, master a new career and develop a less antagonistic personality. Wish me luck!
If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
Me :
All Day At Night
Disney World has announced it is closing due to Hurricane Ian. While many think it is for obvious safety reasons, the actual reason is if the power goes out and they lose containment the animatronics from Small World will be free to feed.
disguised vampire: i put my sweat and tears into this project
boss: what about blood
disguised vampire: huh?
boss: *narrowing eyes* you do have blood right
disguised vampire: haha vhat do u mean
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm
I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious
Girl asked me if I wanted to watch a “romcom” so I’m going to assume she means “Roman Combat” and put on Gladiator.
If you ever find yourself drowning in a pool of egg whites and sugar, simply keep thrashing until you’re resting comfortably on a pillow of meringue.
Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed
you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
LADIES imagine this,
its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little
Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”
Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants
Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……
Me:….*shoe ready in hand*
Also me: you’re actually kinda cute
Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*
Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*
My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.
*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*
if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger
If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no
I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”
Trinity: but why though
Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”
My hips? Compulsive liars.