Romeo and Juliet is not a love story. It’s a 3-day relationship between a 13-year-old and a 17-year-old that cause 6 deaths.
You Might Also Like
We installed those slam-proof bumpers on all of our doors. My kids’ fingers are safe, but I have no way of knowing when my wife is mad at me.
[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT
Cop: Pull over
Me: you cold bro?
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.
He’s Dead.
date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.
me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?
psa: don’t ruin the thanksgiving meal by bringing up politics. ruin the meal by telling your family you don’t know half of them half as well as you should like and like less than half of them half as well as they deserve then vanishing while they try to figure out what you meant
You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.
Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live
“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?
Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
Her: I’ll bring the wine, you bring the sandwiches. Any kind.
[later]
Her: Umm, why is the picnic basket dripping?
My: Oh no, my ice cream sandwiches!
Y’all say redheads eat souls like it’s a bad thing, but I’m telling you, this diet is really going to pay off come swimsuit season.
Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from
I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.
RELATIONSHIP STATUS:
Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.
*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
Sounds painful and this is the weirdest pick up line ever. Can I just pay for my stuff and leave? Mmm-k, Thanks.
I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, “dang, someone’s already got the murdering covered here”