only baby boomers will get this:
*pension*
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When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
Me: I miss the good old days
Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?
M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit
W: I despise you
ants in the garden ? Run a hose from your bbq gas cylinder and put it into the ants nest and turn it on, just a little, removed hose and carefully light the hole… what could possibly go wrong??
Chasing a chicken around the yard for 20 minutes is my Thursday morning or as my dog refers to it,”The greatest morning in the history of the earth.”
As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group
Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.
I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that
age 20: I was in a car accident, my ride is totaled. I won’t be into work until after lunch
age 40: I did something to my back brushing my teeth, I need to lie down for 3 weeks
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.
when i got diagnosed with adhd (as an adult) the psychiatrist referred me to some helpful articles and i was like mm not sure you fully understand the situation
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?
I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.
I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.
Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.
When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
Fry yam?
It didn’t intend to write my 7-year-old’s school paper for him but I thought it was best for both of us I take over when he asked me how to spell serial killer.
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
A small toddler is the closest thing you can have to a Pokémon. It follows you around, you love it dearly, no one else can understand what it’s saying, and it is obedient only when it wants to be. The main difference is that training it to fight other toddlers is frowned upon
Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head