only baby boomers will get this:
*pension*
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only baby boomers will get this:
*pension*
Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
6am. 4 runs into bedroom, jumps on bed repeatedly.
“DADDY, DADDY, DADDY! WAKE UP! HAPPY FATHER’S DAY! WE’RE GOING TO LET YOU SLEEP IN!
DOCTOR: I think you have a curvature of the upper spine
QUASIMODO: That a diagnosis?
D: We need an X-ray to confirm. Right now it’s a hunch
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.
Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?
*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.
I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.
It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.
Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.
I’m worried that if there is ever a fire at my house, my kids will ignore the smoke detectors and sit down at the dinner table.
my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?
My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured
If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.
I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.
If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all
Thinking outside the box.. 😅
I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.
2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭
Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.
Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.
Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.
there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations
[courtroom]
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
I made my kids some Simba shaped pancakes, but my 2yo wouldn’t eat Simba and she started crying. I felt like a savage telling her to eat simba, so I cut Simba’s ears off, I realized my mistake when I saw the horror in her face, and now everyone is traumatized.