@_theigirl: Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the shit out of each other for a $10 crockpot.
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@tastefactory: VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him? VICTIM: That's Bart Simpson SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
@KeetPotato: advice: describing someone's cupcakes as being "better than sex" is only a compliment if you aren't sleeping with them
@Maxine12339: Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
@NotJPo: Your wife will always agree to let you go out and get drunk with your friends and as long as you're smart and don't go.