Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.
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“Have you forgotten your password?”
Fish: 😔
Son: I’m tired.
Dad: Hi Tired, I’m Dad.S:
D:S: You annoy me.
D: You annoy me.S: Oh, you’re copying me now?
D: Oh, you’re copying me now?S: Who is the parent here?
D: Who is the parent here?S: MOM! Come get your husband.
Stranger: Your children are angels
Me: So was the devil
Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
Them: I don’t like you.
Me:
Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person
[Murderer chasing me]
Murderer: YOU’VE DROPPED YOUR WALLET
Me: oh, I thought you wanted to kill me
Murderer: *ruffles my hair* I’m a murderer, not a thief! *starts stabbing me*
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
Fun Prank:
Use Bluetooth to play 30 second blasts of Napalm Death on your neighbours stereo. They’ll think they have a poltergeist and move
I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.
Me: I’ll have a small drink.
Fast food worker: We don’t have a small. We only have large and medium.
Me: *grabs him by collar* THE SMALLEST SIZE CANNOT BE MEDIUM! THAT LITERALLY MEANS MIDDLE!
Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know
Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.
When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.
We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.
Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
mom: call your grandmother, she sent you a birthday card with $10
me: ok
[later]
me: hey grandma
grandma: hello dear
me: i need more money, this isn’t 1842
me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat
Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?
Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy
Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’