Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
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INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done
live, laugh, laundry.
How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?
Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.
god: stop doing bad stuff
me: hear me out, what if i keep doing it but i feel bad after
god: that’s not the same
me: sorry ur breaking up
How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.
If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby
*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, “dang, someone’s already got the murdering covered here”
“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all
[sees friend at the store]
“Hi”
Hey
“Where’s your better half?”
The PS4’s at home
“No I mean-”
Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.
Me: *Sitting in traffic*
Cop: Get back in your car
WIFE: *on our wedding night* Today was just perfect, wasn’t it?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a falcon to burst out of the cake but was told no] Not really Sharon, tbh.
4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I’ll shoot you!
*tries*
4: I can’t get it. Can you shoot yourself?
She’s not the first to ask me that.
My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.
If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.
My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!
How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
We all suspected Tide Pods were a gateway detergent. Sure, they seem innocent, but the next thing you know, you’re mainlining Lysol.
Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS
DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.
Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.
A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.
God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago
Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha
God *creates salt*