Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
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[4 strangers are smearing their bodily fluids on each other]
[one turns to camera] “There has to be a better way.”
VOICEOVER: “Hot tubs.”
I’m not a religious person but I do call my water bottle Jesus because its contents magically turn to wine at any of my kids sporting events.
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.
I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.
There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”
A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
I like long walks away from everyone
I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood
[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomachIt’s so cute that you’re nervous
[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?
A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you
Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
Dude 1: “Hey bro?”
Dude 2: “Yeah bro?”
Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”
Dude 2: “Brochure”
The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
The dead guy in my trunk?
Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift’s over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
Before you fall in love with me, you should probably know that I will read the entire menu twice of a restaurant I’ve been to a hundred times only to order the same thing I always do…
BOSS: I’m firing you.
ME: Thank heavens!
BOSS: Why else would I call you here?
ME: Thought I was losing my job *puts on helmet*
BOSS: Lol. No. *helps me into cannon* Who else would do this?
An amish party in the desert called churning man.