*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*
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*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*
Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
[walking out of bathroom]
me: oh boy, do NOT go in there
*guy walks in anyway*
*comes out screaming*
me: ya it’s like super haunted
DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes
i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
Used to work with a grumpy older guy called Philip Eno and I was always too scared to ask if he was related to Brian Eno. Anyway, years later I actually met Brian and I said to him: “Is your brother Philip Eno?”. He replied: “No, he’s English”.
A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.
While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.
We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
“How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”
“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”
Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO
them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty
I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.
So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?
Office Tip: If you have an even slightly more advanced understanding of Excel, do not, I repeat, do not share this secret with your coworkers.
I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.
WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.
i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift
I stuck a “Baby On Board” sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic’s bad or I miss my nap.
[doctor looking at my xrays]
doctor: this is exactly what i was afraid of
me: what
doctor: skeletons
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.