Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.
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Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?
When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
It’s so ridiculous how I watch 1 documentary & falsely feel like an expert. I just know if someone yelled “OH NO! Can anyone interpret these ancient Mayan hieroglyphs?!” my brain would react like “It’s okay, everyone! Stand back! I saw a documentary once! I’ve got this!”
Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.
The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
I hope I never meet “the woman of my dreams” because that woman is neon green and nine feet tall and chases me with a weed whacker
I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.
Felony is a beautiful name for a girl
Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when she’s supposed to be sleeping.
Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
There’s so much spilled soda, popcorn and candy in here my feet are sticking to the floor. I’d complain to the management except this is my apartment.
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.
Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i’m ok
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
EXECUTOR OF MY WILL: I’m so sorry for your loss. Mr. Nadeau has requested he be mummified, but in Fruit Roll-Ups.
WIFE: *Knocks on coffin* Andrew. You have to stop doing this. Are you alive?
ME: *Muffled* No.
WIFE:
ME: *Muffled but sadder* Maybe.
Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?
“I don’t know, how would I know?”
GF: I’m pregnant!
“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”
6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
Waiter: Can I see your ID?
Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.
Waiter: What would you like to drink?
*My 9YO wants you to RT*
Broccoli and carrot are driving down the street and get a flat tire.
Broccoli: We’ll have to use asparagus.
Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own
Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.