oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight
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You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
Optional boss fight.
Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.
WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen
Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-
Me: I’ll take it.
Them: Sir?
Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.
Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air
Michael Cera:
Sensor: *bursts into flames*
[mocking jay part 2]
jay: come on guys please stop
What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
[first day as chinese police officer]
me: guys…it happened again.
[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.
[ bad kitty ]
me: cut it out
cat: ?
me: stop it
cat: ?
me: knock it off
cat: now we’re talking
Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
I’ve been inventing problems to hide the fact that I spend all my time on twitter. But it’s cool because now my kid thinks I know how to fix the leaky drip tray on the piano and can properly set a fallen eagle’s broken wing.
Perfect
i guess his teacher was really pissed
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.
me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.
That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt
– first person to cook a potato
Life is what happens to you when your wifi stops.
Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind
All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂
Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?