Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.
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parrots can literally talk, why is everyone so ok with it
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.
Friend: I’m about to appear in court.
Me: Best of luck! Kill it!!
Friend:…not exactly the best phrase to use in a medical negligence case.
Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.
When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑
[talking loudly on my phone trying to distract the security guard during bank robbery] no no. dunston checks in is about the monkey. jaws is about the shark
Experts: A serving size of chips is 10 chips.
Me: I eat 10 chips while standing in the pantry with the bag open, trying to decide if I want to eat chips.
[getting pulled over]
me: *chewing pizza* what’s the problem officer?
cop: it isn’t safe to eat and drive
me: oh I’m sorry
cop: I’ll let you off with a warning
me: thank you so mu- *pineapple chunks fall out of my mouth*
cop: *hand on gun* STEP OUT OF THE VEHICLE
Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93
it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that
[knock on my front door]
Me: *pulls out finger gun and looks through peephole* Who’s there? What do you want?
Delivery Man: You ordered a pizza?
Me: *holsters finger gun* yeah, that’s right, sorry… *opens door*
Delivery Man: *shoots me with finger gun*
Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store
If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.
Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.
Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?
My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
Cardio Made Easy
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.
TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*
I don’t want to say my wife and I are lazy, but we finally folded laundry yesterday and half the clothes don’t fit us anymore.
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
my accountant: look at ur currently monthly budget:
· RENT: $800
· GAS: $200
· CHEEZ-ITS: $2,750me: ur right, i need a cheaper place.
Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami
I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.