I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.
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Me: *quits life and moves into a pillow fort*
Them: You need to live in the present.
Me: *covers fort in wrapping paper*
In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, I’d be the person who had the garage sale.
“You can’t even handle 2 days locked inside AT HOME?! You’d never make it in prison!”
Well no shit. It’s one of many reasons I don’t commit crimes, ya dipshit.
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”
If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
ME: can I ask one last question
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: ok shoot
[gunshots]
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: aw heck
God: [returning from year-long sabbatical] So, how’s 2016 been? Did you cope OK?
Intern who was left in charge: [looks awkward] Yep. Fine.
Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”
[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK
I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it
Me, telling the kids were eating Mexican tonight.
13, on phone with friend: We’re going to eat chinchillas for dinner…
Me: CHIMICHANGAS!! It’s chimichangas not chinchillas…🤦🏻♀️
I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary
I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones
Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich
Me: …
I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house
You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.
[before date]
friend: make everything about her
[date]
waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*
me: *to date* this is all your fault
u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝
Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world
Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*
When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings
Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber
All right stop, coagulate and thicken
My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.