me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
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“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear
Bedroom door opens.
Dog comes in.
Bedroom door closes.My wife’s way of saying “She’s your dog” without saying a word.
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”
My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.
welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?
me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious
FRIEND 1: wanna see a pic of my cat
ME: yes!
FRIEND 2: wanna see a pic of my bird
ME: yes!
FRIEND 3: wanna see a pic of my dog
ME: omg yes!
FRIEND 4: wanna see a pic of my baby
ME: ugh fine
My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy
*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions
“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
My apathy is at an all time whatever.
[getting out of prison after 10 years]
GUARD: *handing me a paper bag* here are ur things
ME: did none of u monsters feed my tamagotchi
3: Dadda where’s my Paw Patrol costume?
Me: What? I don’t know
3: Dadda get up, go find it
Me: …..
3: …..
Me: Oh I see, you want ME to do the work for you?
3: YEAH! I want you to do da work!
Pescaterian: eats fish
Pestcaterian: eats insects
Pezcaterian: eats candy from a cartoon character
[in conference room]
Coworker: What time is it?
Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*
Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.
Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.
Scuba instructor: Sharks can sense blood in a 2 mile radius.
*everyone turns to glare at me as I floss for the first time this year*Me: What?
They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.
I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit
Ok this TV character is expecting an important phone call from the kidnapper and they haven’t gotten once single spam call the whole time.
Must be nice.
Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”