Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.
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Me: Whoa…What are you doing?
Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.
Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.
Her:
What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea
judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn
Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
I took a picture of a kid’s chest x-ray to show the family (he had pneumonia). I showed the kid and he gasped. Then in an awestruck voice he said, “I have a skeleton.”
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
[armed robbery]
gf: pls babe he has a gun, this isn’t the time to mess around, just call the cops
me: no. *pulls out deck of yu-gi-oh cards* i have to trust the heart of the cards
robber: you should’ve listened to your little girlfriend, kid
*pulls a deck out of his gun*
MY DOG’S VET: who’s a good boy? who’s the handsomest boy? does you wanna cookie? does the handsome good boy want a cookie? does the handsomest best boy ever want a cookie?
MY DOCTOR: you look fatter and paler than I remember, sit down
Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.
This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would
police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes
A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
No Shave November
No Deodorant December
Lose Your Job January
Forget To Pay Rent February
Move in With Mom and Dad March
Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.
[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job
“What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers* “What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.
NSFW tweet
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Unionize your workplace
Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.
me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT
My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.
Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
– How was school?
4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions
– laughs
– oh honey– nobody would name their kid Trenton
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?