Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.
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Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away
Writer joke:
Wife: “You need to do more chores around the house”.
Husband: “Can we change the subject?”
Wife: “Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.”
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens
7-ELEVEN CUSTOMER: Ew! This slurpee machine is full of weird dirt!
MANAGER: Weird dirt? But that means…
*cut to Dracula flailing around in a coffin filled with blue berry blast*
An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”
Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”
5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”
What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
How To Make Lemon Squares:
Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox
Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.
when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭
My dog turning immediately around at the door when he sees the rain like eight-year-old me when I saw my first outhouse at daycamp. No thank you I’m good.
“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”
– my husband, deciding whether to interact with a character in a video game
I think they could have phrased this better
Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virusPhysicist screws up:
Deadly black holeGeologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
Meow
[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?
First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.
The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.
[First day, CSI]
Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”
[buying groceries]
me: do you think Jeff Bezos’ divorce will impact this place at all?
Whole Foods clerk: nah probably not
[1 year later]
Half Foods clerk: ok so I was wrong
I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.
*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”
“Let’s not fight.”