*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*
Kid: But that means-
*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*
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Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
[first day at coaching job where I lied pretty badly on my resume]
ok guys, get out there & do some of those *looks at clipboard* slum danks
I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.
Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.
If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
Coworker: Do u have a phone charger?
Me: No.
CW: How about the 1 on your desk?
Me: WHO ARE U CALLING A JIGGABOO LINDA?!
CW: OMG! *runs away*
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
Apple is releasing new product information today.
That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.
*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism
When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
[ first time mugging ]
me: gimme all your mash
him: did..did you just say-
me: mash. omg i did
him: lol
me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry
him: np my dude, take it from the top
me: gimme all your coney ope
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
Me: hey, I like your tummy
Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets
Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.
Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.
*cocks gun*
Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.
“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.
Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
*Food hits floor*
Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”
King Germ: “No!!! We must wait 5 seconds……”
7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?
Neighbour: Get out of my house!
Me: You’re not even guessing.
Cop: *into walkie talkie* we have a wreck on highway 15
Me: look I know I’m a wreck
Cop: you’ve been wearing those sweatpants for 4 days
me:
cop: also you hit 26 cars
Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but