I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
You Might Also Like
I just asked the kid working at McDonald’s if the shamrock shakes were made with fresh shamrocks. He went to ask the manager. 😳
nurse *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[5 minutes later]
me: *gives her the empty cup* i didn’t need this, there was a toilet
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
My wife asked why I spend more time preparing for fantasy football than I spent planning our wedding, and apparently that wasn’t the best time to explain my amazing draft strategy.
Interviewer: so tell me your strengths
Me: conducting interviews
Interviewer: *narrows eyes*
Me: so tell me your weaknesses
Interviewer: *starts sweating*
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.
We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.
*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return
For Sale:
baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes
Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok
[first date]
girl: I bet you’re really cute under those glasses
[removes frames/is instantly obliterated by Cyclops’ optic blast]
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
Me: Can you bring back Prince?
Genie: I can’t bring people back.
Me: Okay how about make it so my back never hurts again?
Genie: Who was that dead guy again?
I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..
Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.
*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*
Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too
[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]
Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!
“It’s a competition, I didn’t come here to make friends.” — Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season’s “Friendmakers”.
Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?
Leave this on his windshield.