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@EliiHenry: *Open up, police!!*
"NO YOU'RE GONNA YELL AT ME."
@Sickayduh: Sketch artist: Any more details on the attacker?
Me: No, that's all I saw
*shows me it's just a picture of a fist*
Me: *sobbing* That's him
@david8hughes: [over megaphone]
"Police! We have you astounded!"
"Jim, it's 'surrounded'."
"No, I know but look at his face."
@jazmasta: By the way it was me who set those sheep free to roam around the courtroom during your divorce hearing. In case ewe were wandering.
@MarfSalvador: [Pulled over by cops]
Murderer: I swear officer! There ain't nuthin in the trunk!
Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT
@kumailn: "Pizza is always good." - everyone
"We'll see about that." - Papa John's