OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM
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WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint
Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
Goat cheese is for herders.
interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
Are you happy to see me, or is that a banana? Are you covered in bananas? Are you, in fact, a banana tree and incapable of happiness no matter what?
customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing
me: oh *declines it* thank you
Top 3 screwdrivers:
1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment
Anxiety: get ready
Me: for what?
Anxiety: Get ready.
Me: For what?
Anxiety: GET READY!!!!!!!!!
Me: Gah! FOR WHAT?
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”
What’s the worst that could happen? Tried my lady’s body lotion on my face and my face turned into a body, kept doing that hoping to bring back my face and that’s how I ended up 37 feet tall
What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free
I’ve never been an actor before, but every Saturday I go to Costco and act interested about the food they’re selling so I can eat free samples for lunch.
serial killer: you’re in for a slow and agonizing death
me: so you’re gonna let me live
At the store- I better pick up a can of black beans. I’m not sure if there’s any at home.
Putting groceries away- Shit, I already had 8 cans of black beans.
I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG
netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”
It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”
That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.
Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes
the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”
Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.
GERGE: hey can u spot me for lunch? Im a little short on cash
JERY: crypto?
GERGE: crypto
JERY: what happened i thought u bought the dip!
GERG: I did! but then it dipped again
JERY: it double dipped?
GERGE: I DOUBLE DIPPED THE CRYPT