“Open your gift”
A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?
“You don’t like it?”
Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA
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Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message
Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence.
Me: High-5.
Me: Word.
Cop: A ghost killed your family?
Guy: Yes!
Cop: Did u forward yesterday’s spooky chain email to 5 ppl?
Guy: No?
Cop: Well there you go.
[crumpled up paper on floor]
*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*
*tries…**leaves it*
It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.
What number SPF blocks people?
What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.
Wife: Congratulations.
[2 hours later]
Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
X-tra spooky blend
Was invited into a group DM called procrastinators, it’s been two weeks I’m still waiting to be added….
*my kind of people
I did not eat the cake…
AA MEETING
Chairman: Please, introduce yourself
Eminem: Hi! My name is..
C: What?
E: My name is..
C: Who?
E: Hi! My name is..
C: Huh?
Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket
Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.
me: thanks!
server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.
Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 exterminate all human life.
I just bit into a dorito and had a piece of cool ranch seasoning fly into my eye and blind me and make me scream like I was being burned with acid so maybe don’t let me on your apocalypse survival team
a couple months ago i had a plumber come to my house and he spent the whole time talking about how he was also justin bieber’s plumber and then he broke both of my toilets which begs the question: does justin bieber have working plumbing?
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.