It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
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He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started
Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
My dating profile:
the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers
I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
Still thinking about the woman on the train I once saw wearing a lanyard that said “Sarah Hunter” and wondering how many Sarahs have died at her hands.
Operator: 911, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, so I’ve heard of leaving your kid at the fire station, do they do pickup as well?
I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps
[Arby’s]
Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all
Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when
Nine: There’s safety in numbers
Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*
*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
I think when you get your photo taken for your driver’s license they should squirt you in the face with a water gun. Then your picture will have that annoyed and upset look to match when the cop pulls you over
A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
In Florida, a man on a beer run chased customers with an alligator under his arm. In a related story, there is a bill to change the Florida state flag to a guy buying beer with an alligator under his arm.
My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.
Nose
in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
4yo: *Tells 20 minute story*
Me: *Fully listens to the whole thing*
4yo: *Starts telling it again*
Me: *Dies*
wife: what did i ask you to do?
me: buy the name-brand repellent
wife: and what did you do?
me: i bought the cheap stuff
wife: you bought the cheap stuff
me: it was half the-
wife: and what do we have now?
me: *sigh* we have elephants
wife: we have elephants
Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.
ME: *tying hotdogs together*
Wife: I have the bologna shurikens cut out. We playing meat ninjas or not?
Me: CALM DOWN! THE NUNCHUCKS ARE ALMOST READY!
Both my wife and I work from home. She treats me as a colleague despite us doing completely different roles in very different industries. She keeps bouncing ideas off me to which I nod along helpfully. No idea what she’s talking about.