Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.
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Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.”
If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
Dear Mom and Dad: Camp is awful and I want to go home. They haven’t let us go swimming even once, and I hate the orange jumpsuits they make us wear. Also, the counselors are mean and my cabin mate says he’s going to shank me. Making license plates is fun, though. Love, John.
It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.
You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.
I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.
my kidney: can you stop with the alcohol?
my heart: yes and also start eating better?
my brian: do whta yuo liek.
me: love you, brian.
Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway
[ during sex ]
Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.
REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.
KITTEN: *flailing wildly*
MAMA CAT: hey would you knock it off
KITTEN: *slaps tv remote onto the floor*
MAMA CAT: excellent
*puts finger over your lips*
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*
Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.
If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.
Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
Eve: I think we should see other people.
Adam: There’s other people here?
Eve: No.
A: What the…
E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.
Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?
Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.
But I stand by my advice.
Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.
Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.
A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.
“So your new carol is just eight verses of you demanding figgy pudding with increasing hostility.”
“That’s right.”
“And it’s called We Wish You A Merry Christmas?”
“Yes”
“Buts it not really about Christmas is it? It’s mostly about figgy—“
“—figgy pudding yeah.”
If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .
Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.
Me: what are we doing today
Trainer: let work on your forearms.
Me: but I only have 2
T: What?!?
Me: *whispers* I only have 2?
*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message