Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.
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If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people “the last thing the police need is spectators”
Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.
Him: Please, call me James.
If Nelly tells you “it’s getting hot in here”, it’s not your job as a journalist to take off all your clothes, it’s your job as a journalist to look out the window and find out if it’s true
[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
Teach a man to fish and you’ll have a lot more precious time to yourself in a quiet house with no one wanting something every 15 minutes.
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
Given the memory span of a goldfish…
if you become a ghost, don’t limit yourself to haunting houses. be the first to haunt a jellyfish exhibit! make a tulip your home and startle a bee. haunt a ball of yarn, get knit into a sweater. remember: it’s your soul that’s eternally damned, NOT your sense of style
she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?
[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
For 21 years i wasnt allowed to sit on the arm of my aunties couch, today my auntie gave me that couch. Here are the pictures she recieved
Me: You are not going to believe this…
Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child
Me: There is no toilet paper over here.
Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”
I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.
is it possible to get my dehumidifier to water my houseplants
I do not have a firm grasp on physics but have sketched what I have in my mind, with it strapped to a ceiling fan