[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”
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everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
Never date a commercial actor cause after you guys break up and you just wanna kick back and watch the tube you have to keep seeing them driving a Kia Sorrento or being really excited about dish soap
I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.
And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.
Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably
Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!
Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?
Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
By far the dumbest thing I’ve made
Kid: *falls down*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *runs into table*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *ball hits them in face*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *drops phone*
Me: OMG, did you break it?!
WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down
ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS
Southwest flight attendant told us to fasten our seatbelts because “the captain just saw Top Gun and wants to try something new”
[Grandma’s funeral]
(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin
I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.
I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.
My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.
Me: Do that thing I like.
Husband: Soaks dishes.
[date]
ME: Tell me about yourself
HER: I love good listeners and Fred Astaire
ME: That’s weird
HER: What is?
ME: Being afraid of stairs
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“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”
I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.
Me: What are you doing?!
5-year-old: Hugging my sister.
Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.
5:
Me:
5: The good ones do.