Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”
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Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
Chefs who can’t admit failure present:
Soft-boiled eggs
Steak tartare
Twice-baked potatoes
Sour cream
Calzones
Pineapple upside down cake
Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder
Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions
Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
Newscaster: In other news, a local man was severely beaten by group of roving youths
*cut to file footage of me prancing around town in a unicorn costume*
Newscaster: Moron, this, at 11
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.
Hey chicks who wear a buttload of make-up. Don’t borrow someone else’s iPhone to make a call. You leave half of your face on the screen.
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline
*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
*me, as an uber driver*
oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said
Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.Lyrics to a beloved 90s hit, or parent to an over-curious toddler? The world may never know.
Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”
I just cleaned my floors. If you need me I’ll be crawling around, picking up every new crumb by hand and grumbling about how my family needs to eat outside for the next 2 days.
It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.
My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.
Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
[Christmas]
ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?
HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?
ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.
“I have toddler-like reflexes.”
“Don’t you mean cat-like–?”
*laughs, cries, falls on face, eats Cheerio off the floor*
“No.”
I’ve been singing “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” to my kids in honor of school starting, and wow, are they mad about it.