I like doormats that say ‘Welcome’ but they don’t go far enough. I want a trail of doormats saying ‘Welcome’, ‘How was your journey?’, ‘Can I take your coat?’, ‘How’s the family?’, ‘Well, it’s getting late’ and ‘Thanks for coming’. Automate the whole process of entertaining.
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wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD
Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?
*Biden lowers hand*
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!
Also family: Have a baby 🙂
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job
Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
Kentucky names the shit out of places
Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
Daughter: dada what does nocturnal mean?
Me: it means active at night.
Daughter: like Batman?
Me: yes like Batman.
Daughter: dada?
Me: yes?
Daughter: am I nocturnal?
Me: [clock says 2 am] yes you are.
Daughter: am I Batman?
Me: what?
Daughter: [Batman voice] I’m Batman.
I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.
Dear waiter,
You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.
Love,
David
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
[grocery store]
DAD: [wearing a ski mask]
SON: this is so embarrassing
MOM: hush- your father gets nervous when we have to buy toilet paper
no..
one…cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston
It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car
farmer: hay
horse: I have a boyfriend
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
Yes my dude
[after sex]
Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?
Her: yeah, I love crabs
Me: then I have some GREAT news!
First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…
i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community
DIE HARD (1988)
Rated R, 2 hrs. 12 min.
The dead guy from The Sixth Sense throws Snape out of a window. Merry Christmas!
Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.
my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault