According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Divorce
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illnessAnd the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Bedtime
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”
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We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?
When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
*notices battery is at 4%*
*goes into airplane mode*
*turns down brightness*
*exits all apps*
*prays to jesus and compliments his sandals*
[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]
Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff
I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.
I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?
What time will the Easter candy be discounted?
CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.
Ok. I’ll call back later.
I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.
Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –
Me: And I must never open it?
Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up
When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.
Just know, if I’ve asked you at least 6 times nicely and then sang it as a song, the next time it’s coming out as an unhinged shout.
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
[undercover as a mom]
Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now
Other moms: *narrow eyes*
Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months
If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.
In related news, I just broke up with my mom
Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillowHim:
Pillow
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”
You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
Canadian Oneupmanship
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
[bleeding out]
ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?
ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
Wife: Did u load the dishw-
Me: [slowly turning into a dog]
Wife: you can’t just animorph your way out of every argu–aww who’s a good boy?!
A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..