@prettysadmostly: *opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit
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@cosmicbibi: Research shows your medication is 879% more effective if you drink a 6 pack and a bottle of wine first. Also, I changed my name to Research.
@Fred_Delicious: [arrives at the gates of hell] Satan - "WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE... WE DON'T HAVE LASAGNA" Me - "um...ok?" [Satan checks list] "Is your name Garfield?" "No" "Huh. List says Garfield"
@LostFelicia: I took my dad to the gym with me today. The man clocks a mile on the treadmill before I could hit the Start button. I'm not taking him with me again.