*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit
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Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?
Me: Are you surprised I like kids?
Him: I’m surprised you had sex.
Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM
I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”
[interview]
What is your biggest weakness?
“Sometimes I’m too succinct”
Can you give an example?
“Yes”
[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first
i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous
Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?
Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor
HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long fa–
HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?
Sticker placement is key.
If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”
hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad
“Ok thanks dad”
well shit
My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”
pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign
My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
My 4yo just asked me if I was there when we went to Disney 6 weeks ago for 5 days, so I’m obviously making a huge impact in her life.
My 11 y/o daughter just read a children’s book about the Great Depression and would like the record to reflect that she felt cheated because “there was nothing ‘Great’ about it.”
“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.
Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.
Took our kids to see Santa tonight at a local restaurant that lured us there with “adult spiked hot chocolate”. My 10 yo saw Santa walk in and go up to the bar “oh no! Santa’s an alcoholic!!” So that went well.
Lock eyes with woman across the bar. Entire life flashes before my eyes. Courtship. Wedding. Marriage. Kids. 2 boys. Promising athletes. Bigger stronger than everyone. NFL dreams. Puberty. They stop growing. 5’9. Division 3. I snap out of it and hide in the bathroom for 2 hours
Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents
Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?
1 mojito, 2 mojitos, 3 mojittos, 4 mojjitus, 5 mogytus, 6 mujhitosos, 7 mojhgbvftos, 8 modfgtrescos
First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.