@prettysadmostly: *opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit
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@XplodingUnicorn: Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book? Me: Every night Priest: What's their favorite part? Me: When Frodo destroys the ring
@Cheeseboy22: I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
@QwertyJones3: [outpost in the Arctic Circle] "I'm quitting, here's my 2 week notice" BOSS: The days last 6 months here "Sonofa..."
@vineyille: I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”