@prettysadmostly: *opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit
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@Reverend_Scott: OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET? Cop: Sir, you're still laying on the ground where you fell down.
@archerenemy: After 2 divorces, I gave up on that 'dream girl' shit long ago. At this point, if she has no outstanding warrants, I'll talk to her...
@Marlebean: [Interviewing to be a mortician] Do you have any experience handling dead bodies? -Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.
@mortimermaiden: I'm peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.