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I told my vodka about you.
Imagine seeing the most perfect creature walking towards you. They stop. You look deep into their eyes, heart pounding with deep compassion. Your fingers tremble yearning to caress them.
And then you hear those words…
“He’s a service dog. You can’t pet him.”
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
i like to flex on them by shrugging
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad
hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food
*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.
“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike
4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?
Me: That’s an oddly specific question.
4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4
I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple
[first date]
Me: that is hilarious
Date: …
Me: wait, bread or dead?
Date: how would my parents be bread?
This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.
MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bedMY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport
Do not go gentle into that good night,
Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
My daughters moved out on their own and they call me periodically to ask for advice and answers. I kind of thought watching me raise them would have proven that I’m winging it, but for some reason, they think that I know things?
breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.
[road trip]
ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat
FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place
ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time
right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
I am basic white bread.
…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.
First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.