(opens door)
Me: Staff meeting soon
CW: GET OUT!
M: Nice carpet
CW: SHUT THE DOOR!
M: Can I borrow some toilet paper? The next stall is out.
You Might Also Like
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.
It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.
You win again, life.
3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75Who decided to play Jumanji?
Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management
early stone age tool
Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.
My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.
cat people: dogs are fine
dog people: cats are sent from the devil
Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them
*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store
Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.
Coming soon to Fox and Friends: a crime fighting duo useless at stopping mass shootings. They are THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS, Wednesdays at 9 pm.
It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫
[home]
FRIEND: How’d family dinner go?
ME: Huge mess to clean.
F: It’s spotless!
M: *sprays luminol* You’d never know they were even here.
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
Accidentally said “No kidding,” instead of “No problem” after someone thanked me for helping them today, if anyone knows of a nice bridge I can leap from.