*opens drawer* huh, I don’t remember this shirt being pink. OMG…did he…did he do laundry? *slowly opens 2nd drawer*
-Law & Order sound
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I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
Not all heroes wear capes…
ME: come here honey
HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy
ME: do you need anything from Amazon?
HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list
*sitting bolt upright out of a dead sleep*
PANTS MADE OUT OF EGGPLANTS CALLED AUBERJEANS
I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?
Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.
Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?
May never get over this
dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall
some random cat:
[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there
A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
Judge: so your petition says irreconcilable differences
Me: yesterday he wore Nike shoes with Adidas socks
Judge: divorce granted
[getting a number at a bar]
girl: 1-235-813-2134
Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested
Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.
friend: why do u look sad
me: I have wrongdog
friend: what’s wrongdog
me: *big breath in*
Me: I like a full bodied wine.
Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.
Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.
Robin: Gee Bruce, how come you get to wear dark concealing colors and I have to wear bright Red, Yellow and Green?
Batman: You’re the decoy
please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.
best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook
I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog
Judge: how do you plead?
Guy: well usually to my wife
Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant
I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.
She was really dark.
me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!
wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.