[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
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When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.
[on a date]
Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?
me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
Her: How’s your drink?
Me: It’s ok. I can’t taste the alcohol though
Her:That’s cause we’re at the gym and its a protein shake
Cashier: “Sir, the toilet paper you’re buying goes on sale tomorrow.”
“COOL, I’LL CHECK WITH MY FAMILY TO SEE IF THEY CAN HOLD IT IN.”
None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
How to wake up a Beagle
People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
Food puns are my love language
…what, they make me corny.
My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.
“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”
– “We should call it AAAA!”
“You’re fired.”
Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.
If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
Me: gentleman of this truck stop bathroom, please boo that kid for not washing his hands
All: BOOOO!
kid: I am telling mom
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
4: When will I stop growing?
Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.
4: But you still grow.
Me: No I don’t.
4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.
Me:
This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.
I used to hate the “Kids on Board” stickers for cars. I now understand they are warning us they will be driving erratically because…you know…KIDS ON BOARD!
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
I love you Mario but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of
My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.
So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.