*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
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me: sorry we’re late
st peter: what happened
grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic
Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.
Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
As an incredibly powerful, mostly evil, very attractive supernatural being, I have one weakness:
A female protagonist who has just turned sixteen and thinks there’s nothing special about her at all.
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees
Put a mirror on the ceiling.
She said.
It will be sexy.
She said.
Terrify yourself every morning.
I found out.
Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.
Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.
If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok
I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document
Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you
When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.
I enter the wrestling ring in jeans and a tshirt. My opponent’s confidence sinks as she sees me biting into an ice cream cone with my teeth. Clearly I am crazy.
Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.
“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”
“That’s a smart car.”
Swapping all the oxygen tanks with helium at the nursing home today.
Once they’re all floating I’ll walk in dressed like a ghost buster and save the day
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?