I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
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found out today that in my 7-unit “no pets allowed” apartment building, I am the only one without a cat. I’ve been surrounded by secret cats this whole time
I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.
My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
Selfie
Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”
Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.
I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.
On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.
[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
Why soy sad?
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
4-year-old: Will you ever love me more?
Me: I already love you as much as I possibly can.
4: I’d love you more if you bought a pool.
I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.
To avoid further heartbreaks from loving someone who doesn’t love me back I have decided to focus on things I have a better shot with…like my love of chicken wings.
Chicken wings: Um, I have a boyfriend
Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.
doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage
me: did i break my legs?
doctor: it was only 5 feet
me: and they’re ALL broken?!
The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.
This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.
Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.
Friend: That’s my stomach.
*gets hit by car*
me: it’s ok buddy can happen to anyone*friend says I’ll call you right back and doesn’t*
me: there can be no forgiveness for this
The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos