*opens present
HER: What is this?
ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.
HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?
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Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.
Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.
when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today
Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train
[Preparing for a heist]
Boss: Whoa! You brought in new guys? They aint gonna squeal are they?
Me *with a gang of doves*: Naw man, they coo
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
I identify as an antique shop.
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.
I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.
God: where’s your horn
Unicorn: i sold it for drugs
God: throw this fucken horse in jail–the invention of zebras
I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.
I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.
Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
parties in 2004: I hope I don’t get drunk and tell mindy I like her
parties in 2017: I hope this beer company doesn’t support genocide
My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
My eyes: (seeing something in my peripheral vision)
OH MY GOD A GIANT BLIMP IS CRASHINNG OUT OF THE SKY AND HEADING STRAIGHT FOR OUR FACE
(one second later)
We’re getting a correction from the brain:
it is the world’s tiniest moth
Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.
[snowman rings doorbell]
Pardon me, but I overheard someone say something about a “snow blower” and was wondering where I might find one.
I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.
My grandad used to swear by refrigerators. And televisions. In fact, he was probably the most foul-mouthed member of staff Comet ever had.
me (smirking as i pick a card): what next
magician: now you close your eyes
me (rolling my eyes to a friend): lol okay whatever
magician: (kicks me in the face) stop ruining fun things because you’re afraid you won’t be the center of attention
[my friends all applaud]
I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.