Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.
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What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score
My son is sitting next to me here playing some kinda shooting game and complaining about people using aimbots.
As someone who’s cleaned his bathroom I wish he’d use them too.
I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes
Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”
“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]
Me, in a job interview: My weaknesses? I’d have to say one would be serving customers. Dealing with people in general.
HR: This is a customer service position. It was in the ad title.
Me: Another weakness is attention to detail. But that’s really it.
I don’t have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that’s followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.
My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
Jury duty would be a lot more popular if they gave everyone a turn with the gavel
°at Nike advertising meeting°
I need a slogan for these shoes by the end of the day. I don’t care how it gets done just do it..hold up a sec
Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most
My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.
Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.
idk flipping houses looks really hard
Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.
Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?
Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.
Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.
My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step
GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome
GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken
[driving home from a party]
MRS. ELEPHANT: you’re still upset aren’t you
MR. ELEPHANT: i can’t believe they just ignored us like that
MRS. ELEPHANT: they aren’t worth it, just forget it
MR. ELEPHANT: *slams steering wheel* you know I can’t do that linda
Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.
Narrator: she would never find it again.
I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me
*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*
Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-
Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*
If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.
Girl: do you have a condom?
Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen
*hears a knock on the door
4: daddy I think I started a fire
Is Miley Cyrus pregnant? Will The government stay shut down? Will the GTA online servers work? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z